Hi You,
So, there is something that I’ve been holding onto for about a week now, trying to process through it but I’m struggling. What is the “right” thing to do? What is the “right” choice? I’m trying to listen to my heart, but it doesn’t have the answer yet. My head is screaming at me, that I know what I should do, but as I’ve said before, I follow my heart. It’s who I am. Maybe if I share with you, then I will find the answer. Maybe the universe will guide my heart in the right direction.
Last week, my stepmom reached out to me. We haven’t spoken in almost 2 years. Yes, part of that was my choice. I blocked her number and my dad’s. This decision was one of the hardest I’ve had to make. It came after a text from my dad, that essentially said “he was done, that having a relationship with me was too difficult, depressing, and exhausting. That I lack class and manners. That I need professional help.” This has been my whole life. They loved me, they hated me. They walked away whenever they felt I let them down. Whenever I didn’t do something up to their standards. Whenever I was inconvenient for them. This isn’t the first time that we haven’t spoken for a longer period of time. Once they didn’t speak for me for 6 years, but most of the time it’d be a few months here and there. They didn’t speak to me the entire time I was married. When my marriage was crumbling around me, they never reached out. They never offered any comfort or support. Instead, they were hurt I didn’t reach out to them. I’m sorry that my mind was a bit preoccupied at the time.
Every reconciliation has started from me. I’ve reached out saying I miss you daddy. I’ve contacted them asking for their forgiveness and to start over. After the 6-year break, I reached out to them with a letter. One last Hail Mary. If I didn’t hear back from them, then I knew they had made their choice and I wouldn’t reach out again. They called. Agreed to start over, to start fresh. I went up and spent Christmas with them. It was everything I hoped it would be. We caught up on the time we missed, I got to hug my dad again. I had my dad and stepmom back. My dad and I sat and talked about what happened. He was sitting in his chair and I on the couch, we both agreed that it spiraled out of control. He said and he promised that he would never let that happen again. There were tears in his eyes. I believed him. I believed that he missed me. I believed he wouldn’t walk away again. I believed that he wouldn’t hurt my heart again. So, when he sent this text, I knew what I had to do. I knew that I had to cut the tie completely to protect my heart. To allow it to heal. What I didn’t know was, and what a fun find this was; that even if you block a number, they can still leave you a voicemail.
I was cleaning out my inbox and came across this treat, there were 7 messages from my stepmom. My heart sank. What did she have to say to me? Why was she calling? Do I even listen to these? I couldn’t, not then.
Eventually I went through them. It was hard to hear her voice, there was something sad in it. The messages weren’t really about anything important, in fact it was as if she had no idea what had happened, what my dad said. How could that be though? They share everything. Why is this one pulling at my heart strings? I didn’t feel the need then to open the door back up, so why is this one so different? She got my letter. My thankful Thursday letter.
Two Thursdays ago, was my letter to her. Yes, even with the ups and downs, I am still thankful to know her. She has helped make me who I am. I’ve learned how I want to be in life and how I don’t, from her. In her message she asked me if I meant what I said in my letter. I meant every word of it. I thanked her for encouraging me to face my fears in life. When I was younger, I was terrified of the ocean. So she came up with this little jingle, “we don’t care if we get wet”, we would skip down the beach through the waves singing that song, like idiots. That little jingle holds more truth the older I get. It gave me the courage to say to her, “I forgive you. I wish you happiness and the strength to let yourself see that I always loved you and always will.”
Now, I have all of these thoughts spinning in my head. I’m not sure I’m ok with letting them back in. I’ve been down this road before. I know where it leads; that I’m sure of. But if I don’t, am I missing out on time? Time I’ll never get back.
Letters to You 