Hi You,
5am and I’m wide awake, so many thoughts swimming through my head and my heart. Normally I would try to force myself to go back to bed, it’s my day off, the time I actually get to “sleep in.” Though that really just means, I’m still up early but I lay here a little longer. Not this morning. Nope. I’m going let it all in, process all the thoughts, feel all of the feels, and see where it leads me.
Last week, on the radio, they were discussing therapy and the stigma that it still holds for some. I think that with all the focus on mental health, this has become significantly lessened, but it still unfortunately exists. Some people are not comfortable going or admitting that they talk to somebody. I, believe it should be mandatory, like a rite of passage to adulthood. It should also be something that everyone has access to, regardless of financial status.
I’ve been a few times, to different counselors. One with S, right after everything surfaced. One on my own, in the midst of everything we were going through, because he asked me to go. S said, “I would like you to try talking to someone, seeing a counselor. We are no longer physical, and this might help you figure out why and how to ‘fix’ that. I am asking you to do this for us.”
“Me?! I wasn’t the one that broke us, that broke me.” I thought. But, I bit my tongue and agreed to go. I was going to try anything to save our marriage. I went to a few sessions, but I didn’t connect with my counselor. You have to connect, trust, be able to let your guard down, with this person. I couldn’t. I ended up learning what to say and what not to say to him. The complete opposite of what you should do! Obviously, that relationship had to end.
It wasn’t until years later, and well after our divorce, that I decided to try again. For me. I found someone that was willing to take me on, all 36 years (at that time) of baggage. At the end of our first session, I asked her, “are you sure you want to get involved in all of this?”
“You’re mine now.” She replied.
Initially I started going to see her to help sort out the emotions surrounding my relationship with my dad. As expected, other things in my life came up and she provided tools to move through those thoughts and feelings, if and when they arise. But we kept trying to get back to the root of the visits, the reason I came in to see her. I shared with her different moments that I remembered, different letters that he’d written, but the emotion was just not there. “Was I finally past it? Had I moved through it? Or was it so far buried that I didn’t know how to access it anymore?”
Dr. R, was going with the latter. She wanted to try EMDR therapy with me, to see if we could release anything that my mind had tucked away for good. I was game, why not? I knew there could be some residual effects until it all came out, but I was open to the idea, if it would finally help let it all go. When it came time for our first session, I was excited to get started. What was it going to be like? What thoughts are going to surface. We got everything set up, she explained how it was going to go, and what to do after we were through. The first few tries, nothing. I looked at her and said, “am I doing something wrong?”
“No, she replied, sometimes it takes a while for your mind to release and let go of the memories it has tried so hard to forget.”
We continued. Still nothing. The hour was over, and we decided to pick back up next week. During that week, she said I might experience some side effects. I was on the lookout, but I didn’t notice anything different. I didn’t feel any sort of way, no weird dreams, strong emotions, etc. I was trying to be patient and not lose hope that this was going to work. The next week came and we decided to go again. After a couple of attempts, tears just started flowing. Not sure if it was because it was working or from frustration. We pressed on. Then it happened. I took the headphones off and looked at her with tears in my eyes.
“What did you see?” Dr. R asked
“Well that was unexpected.” I replied. “It wasn’t of my dad.”
xoxo
Letters to You 