Hello You,
Narcissism, this is a non-negotiable in my life. But why am I a magnet for it? Someone recently told me, we attract the parts of us we haven’t explored or healed yet. Since I could remember, I’ve been trying to win over the love of my dad. From the outside, you would have thought, it was the perfect little picture. On the inside, I was savoring every good moment. Every moment I did something right. Every moment I felt his acceptance. And when it was good, it was really good, but when it wasn’t it really wasn’t.
I would often wonder, “is he going to talk to me today? Did the birthday card get there in time? Did it say the right things? Was the gift I got him good enough? Did it cost enough? If not, what was the punishment going to be this time? Was he going to stop talking to me again, and for how long? Was I going to get another letter, telling me how much of a disappointment I was?” All those thoughts, feelings, questions have been present my whole life. They often come out in different ways, with friends, family, even coworkers. If I don’t hear back from someone after a day or even a few hours, after sending a text or calling, my mind goes straight to, “oh my gosh, did I do something wrong? Are they mad at me?”
Over the past few years this has been a priority for me to work through. Learning how let it go. To stand up for myself. Believe in myself. It hasn’t been easy but every day I’m getting stronger. Stronger in knowing that I matter, that my thoughts are just as important. That was until just recently. Someone came into my life, that made me feel weak. But not in the good lovesick, weak in the knees, weak. No, the one that makes you question your presence as a human.
There were pink flags, as my therapist calls them. These are the flags that have the potential to turn red, and quickly. They are little warning signs, telling us to keep our eyes open but not to react, yet. My subconscious knew the answer, it came out in a dream. My concerns, my worries. In this dream, my dad was present, but it wasn’t really him, it was this other person. He was telling me I had to stay where I was and I kept saying, “no, I want to go home. Please let me go home.” Finally, he put his foot down and said, “no, you have to stay here.” You can imagine the look of surprise and utter disgust when I woke up. That flag definitely turned red.
xoxo
Letters to You 