Hello You,
Ok, so maybe I should be asking the question, “Is the universe a friendly Universe”, after I’ve had coffee in the morning. Or maybe I should be taking a breath first before I start my day. I keep missing the buck sometimes. And it seems as though it falls to one person. How? Why?
I told B that I’d written again, that I’d finally found my words! He asked, “Did I make your blog post?” Without him reading it, that was hard to answer. I told him “Yes, but not visibly. If that makes any sense. Read it and tell me how you think you are present in it.” He said, “Ok.” Did having him read the letter make me a little nervous? Yes! It was the first one I’d shared with him. “Do I tell him everything?” “Yes.” Probably more than he wants, ha. It’s different though when he’s reading my thoughts, my emotions. The raw words that flow from my heart. But I remembered something he told me before our first date; as I was sitting in the car waiting to meet him, I texted him that I was a little nervous. He texted back and said, “I heard or read somewhere nervous and excited are the same as far as what chemically is happening in the brain… that said I’m excited too.” So, instead of being nervous waiting to hear what he thought about the letter, I began to be excited!
After awhile he called me, we talked about it, it was fun to share that with him. To hear his thoughts, his support, his encouragement. I told him how I saw he was very much present in the letter without being actually mentioned in it. We’ve had many conversations about mindset, how you choose the way you think. You decide to think negatively, it’s a choice you make. He is very much aware of my fears, my insecurities, and has felt those placed on him, without his asking. Has it affected us? I’d be lying if I said no. It has. I let it. Did I know I was doing it? Not in the moment. Was it fair to him? No. Do I want to change that? Yes!!! I guess the better question is, “Will I change that?” Yes!
But yet this morning, I didn’t show up for him the way he deserved. In the mindset I wanted to put out there for him, for us, for me. Instead of leading with my heart and saying the words I felt, I let my fears win again.
“Why do I keep doing this?” B’s been so patient, putting up with my shenanigans. My emotions. Not giving up or walking away. Which I know he knows I struggle with that confidence. He keeps telling me to “be confident,” and I want to be. I want him to see the strong, sexy, fun woman he sees glimpses of. And as much as I want to spend more time with that person, I want him to spend more time with that person. Not the lost girl that he has been.
I know change takes time, it doesn’t happen in a day, a week, or a month. I can do this. I’m going to do this. Knowing him makes me want to be better. But maybe, in the meantime I should tell him that his first text shouldn’t be, “Good morning”, it should be, “Have you had your coffee yet?”
Well, B, you’ve made this one! Hope you’re ok with it.
xoxo
Letters to You 