Hello You,
Last night, B asked me something, a question that honestly surprised me to hear come from him. Even though it took me back, there was no hesitation. I answered, “No.” It’s a hard no. I cannot fathom the idea. I won’t say what it was as it is private to the both of us. But what I will say is with my whole heart, I hope that he knows how I feel about him; and that won’t ever change.
When I first moved back to Orlando, almost a year to the day, I knew immediately it was the right decision. I knew Charleston wasn’t my forever home. It served its purpose, but there was this feeling in my gut that there was more for me, that I needed to be back here. When I was offered the new role, there was no doubt that I was going to accept it. I had never completely unpacked when I was there, still living out of boxes. My heart knew before I did that I wasn’t meant to be there. That at some point I was going to leave. Did it know where? I think so.
Being back, and finally starting to see through the clouds. Self-made clouds. Rain clouds. I could finally see the sky, a deep blue, beautiful sky. I now know why I’m here again. I see what my heart did all along. Why this place feels truly like home, though it’s not where I grew up. I met my soul sister. The woman that laughs with me, cries with me, hugs me when she can see I need it (even though she is not a hugger). The woman that I drive absolutely bonkers every day but has never and will never turn her back on me. The woman that I would do anything for, my ride or die. I am working in the position that I said I wanted for the company that I dreamt about. The one that helped turn my life around and gave me a place to grow and find my passion. And I met the man I knew I was supposed to meet. The one I asked for long ago. Tall, dark, handsome, has a career, makes me laugh, supports and encourages me, sexy as hell, dedicated to his family, smart, respectful, trustworthy, modest, kindhearted, patient, hard worker, a great cook (he may scoff at that), a true gentleman. A unicorn.
The beginning of my sophomore year in college I made a list, a list of what I wanted in a partner, a picture of the man I wanted to date. Then I met S. Needless to say, he didn’t match up to most of those. In fact, I drew a big X over it and thought, “eh, it’s not that important.” But what I didn’t realize then is that it was that important. Now, I don’t regret a day we spent together, our relationship taught me a lot, but he was not meant for me.
For a long time after that, I gave up on the image in my head. Tucked it away. Thought maybe it wasn’t out there or that I didn’t deserve it. Until I met B. He was what I envisioned so many moons ago. I still catch myself thinking, “is this real?” “Does this man really want to be with me?” It is hard for me to believe that the answer is yes. So when I get those thoughts, the “it’s too good to be true” ones, I have to stop myself and remember what my Aunt told me, “It’s not too good to be true. It is so good, and it is so true.”
When we first started dating it took me months to put B’s number in my phone. Months! So long that now along with my childhood home number and my best friend’s, ya know the days that you actually had to remember phone numbers, his is one I know by heart. One I will not forget. I had it in my mind that if I put it in there he would realize he didn’t want to be with me. That he would break up with me. I thought it was the kiss of death for us, like when couples get matching tattoos. Was that showing him I believed in him, that I had faith in us? No. The complete opposite of what I wanted, want, him to know, to feel. Being as sweet as he is, he went along with it, laughed at my “superstitious” side. And just waited until I got there. When I tell you this man is patient, I mean he is next level. The only other man I know like this is my father. The most patient man alive.
But it’s in there now. It’s solidly in there, nickname and all! So B, if you ever have that question again, remember this one thing, I asked for you. A long, long time ago, I asked the Universe for you. I’m not going anywhere. Well, unless we go together, Machu Piccu, maybe?
xoxo
Letters to You 