March 31, 2021

Hi You,

S and I Part Two – The Early Years

That first month we spent every free moment we had together. I didn’t have a car in college, as I lived downtown and was able to walk everywhere I really needed to go. After he was done with training for the day he would drive to me. He took me dates to dinner and the movies, we would laugh and carry on through the streets of downtown like kids. We would drive to the battery, sit on the hood of his car, look at the stars, and talk for hours. We couldn’t get enough of each other. And If we weren’t hanging out, we were on the phone. Talking. Yes, talking, this was before texting really became a thing. This was before unlimited data, unlimited talking, unlimited anything. One night S’s family was in town for his graduation, and we all met up for dinner and a tour. As we were heading to dinner, my mother called, “who’s number is this xxx-xxx-xxxx?”

“It’s S’s, why?” I asked.

“I was just looking over your phone bill, I’ll pay for the regular monthly fee, but you are paying the rest. It will come out of your savings.” She said

“Ok,” I said, with this is confused look on my face, “How much is it?”

“$1000.00.”

“What? That’s impossible. How is that possible? Are you serious?” I looked at S, in complete disbelief. He looked back at me and said, “Is everything ok?” I just shook my head.

“Ok, just take the rest of it out of my savings.” I told my mom. When we hung up, I filled S in on what my mom had just told me. We both nervously laughed and didn’t really know what to say. I wasn’t going to ask him to pay for any of it. How do you ask a guy you just started seeing, to cough up $500?! Looks like I needed to start looking for job or a new phone plan.

S left a few days later. He was off to his next training school, in NY state. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. We were up all that night, just soaking in every minute of each other. We walked outside of my friends’ house, he squeezed me tight and gave me one more kiss. I was a mess, the tears kept coming out. I could barely breathe, it felt like my heart was being taken away from me. He took off the button up shirt he was wearing and gave it to me and said, “next I see you you can give it back to me.” I think this was his way of saying, don’t worry, this isn’t goodbye. He turned around, got in his car, and drove off.

We did the long-distance thing for three years, back and forth to New York, and then to Hawaii when he got stationed out there. He would come down to Charleston on long weekends and my friends and I would go up there and see our guys on school breaks. When he moved to Hawaii, our visits became fewer and further apart, but we still made it work. I would go see him every chance I got. It was hard but it wasn’t all terrible, I got to spend my Summers and Holiday breaks in Hawaii with my love.

S had just made it to Hawaii when they said they were sending him to meet the boat. In Australia! “Seriously? You just go to Hawaii, and now you’re going even further away from me,” I thought. I was a little uneasy about him being out to sea, a little nervous. You hear of these horror stories, all the time.  As soon as you tell someone that your boyfriend is overseas, they would say “Aw you poor thing, you know what he’s doing don’t you? You know how they love military men over there, don’t you?” Ugh, if I had to hear that one more time. I thought, “no not S. He would never, he loves me.”

We were planning on me moving out there after I graduated, finally after 3 years, we would actually be able to be together! He called me one night and said, “there was a chance that he’d have to stay for the full tour.”

“Ok, if that is something that you want to do and have the opportunity to do, then you should. I don’t want you to miss out on anything because of me. Or worse, later resent me because I told you no, I don’t want you to.” I said.

“Are you sure?” he replied.

“Yes of course. I’m going to miss you but I can come out there after you get back. S, I know it’s going to be a long time away, and I want you to not worry about anything, so if you wanted to take a “break from us” and have the freedom to do what ever you want while you’re away, you can.”

“No, that’s not what I want.” He said.

“Are you sure? I replied.

“Yes.”

He didn’t end up having to stay the full tour and I moved out there as we planned. We got our first apartment together, we bought our first piece of furniture, we went on regular dates, it was perfect. Or that’s what it seemed on the outside. But there was this feeling inside of me that said, something is different. He’s different. I asked him a couple times, if everything was ok? If anything happened while he was out to sea. He said, “no, everything was fine.” Hmmm, maybe I was just reading too much into things. Maybe I was just making it all up. But was I? I couldn’t shake that feeling. I didn’t want to continue to ask him, because he already said no, and I don’t want to be that nagging girlfriend. So, I just convinced myself that I was wrong, and I needed to let it go.

That next Easter we got engaged. It was so sweet and spontaneous; he didn’t even have a ring. We were standing in the kitchen late one night and he said, “I just can’t wait any longer, will you marry me?” A few weeks later he proposed again on Waimea Beach, as we watched the sunset, this time with the most beautiful ring. I got to say yes to the man I loved, twice. We were married that August. It was a whirlwind of 6 months, and It was perfect. But little did I know what was about to come at me.

One night in the beginning of November, only a few months after our wedding, we were driving home from a meet and greet with the new captain of the boat and I asked him, “What were you thinking for dinner?”

“I don’t know, I’m not really hungry.” He replied.

“Ok, Well I’m kind of hungry, we can pick something up and you can have it later?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is everything ok?”

“Yes, my stomach doesn’t feel good.”

“Ok, lets just go home, I’ll find something there.” We got home and were sitting on the floor, like we always did. We had a couch but for some reason we liked to sit on the floor. He didn’t look good, he was pale, I’ve never seen him like this. Something was definitely wrong. He said “I have to tell you something but I don’t know how”. I said, “S, just tell me what’s wrong. Whatever it is can’t be all that bad. I love you.”

That’s when my universe, as I knew it, crumbled down around me.

“I slept with someone.” He muttered.

xoxo