April 28, 2021

Hi You,

I’ve been struggling this week to feel connected. My confidence, which is usually not very high, has been suffering. I’ve started many letters but nothing seemed to flow. I kept thinking, “no that’s not good enough to say, nobody wants to hear that.” But how is that? It’s my voice. It’s my story. Why am I feeling this way?

My whole life I’ve lacked confidence. Never feeling smart enough, good enough, beautiful enough, never feeling like I fit in anywhere. That’s a lot of the reason why I left to go to College. I wanted to start over. A fresh start where no one knew me. I wasn’t J’s little sister or ME’s daughter. I could just be me. I could be the person that I was in my heart, that didn’t feel stifled by others’ preconceived notions of me. “No, you don’t like that. You’re too scared to do that. You would never wear that.” I couldn’t seem to find my way out of that box.

For many years, I let others influence who I was and what I wanted. I let others define me. It wasn’t until recently that I started to find my voice. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve grown to know myself, to like myself. Though ending my marriage wasn’t easy, it allowed me to begin to find me. My passions. What I believed. What I thought. Who I was! I have even recently said, “I’m good at this, I know I am. And I can do it.” I didn’t just mutter those words either, there was conviction behind them. But why the struggle this week? I allowed someone to get to me. Someone that I love. I let their words affect me. I let them change the path that I was on. It’s amazing how something so little can make such an impact. All week, I’ve been trying to figure out how to get out of this place, how to get back on course. But couldn’t.

On the treadmill this morning, I was listening to a podcast on spontaneous healing with Jeffery Rediger. He talked about, what some might define as miracles, people healing from terminal illnesses. He discussed nutrition playing a big role, but even more than that, happiness. The persons overall mental wellbeing. He said, “if you find yourself in a toxic environment you can either change your environment or change the way you react to it.” Well, since I can’t change the other person, I am going to change how I react to their words. I’m going to use them to grow from. To find strength from. To motivate.

Now, as I lay here on the beach, listening to the waves, breathing in and out and silently repeating my mantra. I’m starting to feel more like me again.

xoxo