May 5, 2021

Hi You,  

S and I Part Four – The End 

Skipping ahead almost 5 years, sometime June of 2010, I had just woken up from a nap when S came in and sat on the side of the bed. We looked at each other and knew exactly what the other one was thinking. It was time we made a change. I asked him, “are you happy? With us I mean.” 

S replied, “not most of the time.” 

“We are too young to be this unhappy all the time,” I said.  We knew what this meant in our hearts. We sat there in silence together, not saying a word.  

S and I were not particularly good at making decisions. We could never decide on furniture for the house, what to hang on the walls, where we wanted to go on vacation, but this, this decision, was one that stuck. After 5 years of trying to regain what we had lost, we decided to spend some time apart. He went to go visit his mother, then I went home. When we got back, we’d regroup.  

After about 3 weeks apart, yes, I missed him, he was my best friend. Did I miss my husband? I don’t know. Not knowing that answer, was in fact the answer. The ride home from the airport that day was long. We barely spoke, and when we did, it was small talk. “How’s the family?” “How’s Heidi girl?” “How’s work?” Both of us not really wanting or knowing how to actually start the conversation that we knew was coming.  

“Deep breath, it’s like ripping off a band aid, right?” I thought. “Do you want to try a separation for a little while? We could start with 6 months, maybe, and see how we feel.”  

“I don’t really believe in the separation thing,” he said, “if we are going to do this, we might as well do this.”  

“You want a divorce?” I asked. We had never uttered those words to each other the 9 years we were together. Wow, that felt weird.  

“I think that might be best,” he replied, “a clean cut.” 

“Ok, if that’s what you feel you want,” I said. There was no more energy in me to fight. I had been fighting in my heart for 5 years to find the man that I fell in love with. The man I thought I married. He was gone. If this is what he wanted, if this is what would make him happy, this is what we will do. Even to this day, the only thing I wish for him is happiness.  

We told our family, then our friends. There were a lot of surprised looks, and reactions. There were a lot of tears. No one really saw this coming, and to be honest, neither did I. We’d both been wearing a smile on our faces, while inside, we were broken. We flew his mom out to help us with the packing, fixing up the house to put it on the market, and to ease the awkward and tense moments. That next month was filled with projects, tears, arguments, laughter, drinking; it was a roller coaster. It was exhausting.  

Since we weren’t contesting anything, we decided to go to a lawyer together. The soonest date available was August 18, our 5^th wedding anniversary. We made the appointment. On the morning of August 18 as we were getting ready to go sign the papers, S looked at me and said, “I don’t think they have a card for this.” We both awkwardly laughed. I don’t remember much of that appointment, except when our lawyer said, “are you sure you guys want to do this? You seem like you like each other.”  

“We do, we said together, we just aren’t in love anymore.”  

That night, when we got home, we opened up a bottle of champagne and toasted to the end of our marriage and the beginning of a new chapter. The last week was a blur, there wasn’t much time between when S’s mom left and my friend M flew out to accompany me for the drive home. Next thing I know we were loading up the car and saying our goodbyes. I remember giving him one last kiss, saying I love you, and getting in the car. As we backed out of the driveway, I could see my Heidi girls face through the glass door, it was all cocked to one side. She knew I wasn’t coming back. It was all so surreal. As we turned the corner, I watched S walk back into the house. That was the last time I saw him.  

xoxo