September 17, 2022

Hi You,

Do you believe in the Universe, and that what you put out into it comes back twofold to you?

Lately, I’ve been feeling lost. I suppose the word lately is an understatement. It’s been months, ok, years in the making. Again. I won’t go into the whole story now, that’s another letter of its own, but after my divorce I had to reinvent myself. But again, that might not be the right word. I didn’t know myself. I never had. I went from being a daughter, sister, college student, girlfriend, wife, then divorcée. I had no earthly idea of who the woman was that was staring back at her in the mirror every day. And it made me cry. It broke my heart. The last couple years of my marriage to S, I would cry as I blow dried my hair. Just looking at this empty person. When I left and had to begin again, it was one of the scariest moments. I had to figure out not only what I was going to do but who I was! What I liked. What I didn’t like. I had no hobbies. My life was my marriage.

My Aunt took me in, gave me a home, a place to start new. A safe place to just be me. It took a long time but through her love, her support, I was able to start my new path in this life. I smiled again. I laughed again. Louder and harder than I ever had before. More than I had before. And you know what, I liked it. I liked the sound of my laugh. I began to like the person I was. Growing stronger, finding my wings. Flying!

I don’t know when that confidence started to fade. Can’t pinpoint it, but it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is I lost it. I began to cry again when I looked in the mirror. I began to see that empty girl again. And this time I didn’t have that safe place. My happy place. Her home. Sure there were brief, fleeting, moments where I felt strong but it was gone as quick as it came. I teetered back and forth with this feeling, affecting so many aspects of my life. Friendships, family, relationships. Secluding myself emotionally at times. Putting all the negative into the universe and seemingly only getting negative in return.

I needed a change and in the biggest way. This isn’t me. I know this. I’m the one that says, “no, don’t say that, don’t put that bad stuff out there!” I’m the one that believes in all the woo woo bs. I drive my bestie, J, crazy with it. She laughs at me every time, and with her whole heart will roll her eyes at me, but in the same breath plays along with it. Supporting me and my beliefs, again with her whole heart.

I found my happy place within our friendship, my safe place. Where I can be me. Silly, obnoxious, quirky, sad, crazy, all the things. I didn’t realize this until just recently; actually it was a conversation that we had just yesterday. About how we can be who we are deep in our souls around each other. J is going to read this and probably go, “oh, lol, there she is again with the hippie stuff.” But it’s true. Through our conversations, our “therapy” sessions, I’ve made a decision to start shifting my attitude again. My mindset. Changing the frequency on which I live.

I started re-reading The Secret. And now every morning I am waking up, asking myself, “Is the universe a friendly universe?” “Yes.” “Do I deserve to be happy?” “Yes.” “Can I have what ever my heart desires?” “Yes.” “Do I know what I want and know how to ask for it?” “Yes.” “Does my life have value?” “Yes.” “Will I put love out into the universe today?” “Yes.” The answer is always yes. It will always be yes.

“Do I love you?” “Yes.”

xoxo